can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
