I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
