I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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