Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
