I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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