They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
