What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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