so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
