I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
