I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
