do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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