I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
