dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
