My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I could make wine with my vomit
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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