I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
