I can tuck mytits in my pants
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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