Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
