i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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