She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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