Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
There r osticjed everywhere
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
