Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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