What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
