I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
