You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
