She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
