Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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