And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My dad is sitting where you rode me
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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