I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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