i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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