You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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