When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
