You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
