I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
