Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
