I am puke
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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