Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
