he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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