Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
