i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
