Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
