Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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