Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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