I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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