I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
