im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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