Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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