You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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