So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
