Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
