i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
