i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
