What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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